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The Tabloid News Edition 3
Owner: Mr_Pickles 'FROM THE EDITOR ' People are always asking me, “when will the next issue be out?” And, I always tell them, “as soon as I sober up.” You see, I do not play drinking games. It is far more serious for me than that. It is not a hobby. Stamp collecting is a hobby. Drinking, for me, is a way of life. Unfortunately, I do not ever remember any of it. However, from what I am told, I have a good time. Last Thursday, I went to several different bars. At one, I tried to un-snap the bartender’s bra. However, those damned things are more complicated for me than Fort Knox. Then, at the next bar I went to, I apparently challenged the owner to fisticuffs, with the Marquis of Queensbury Rules. Fortunately, he did not take me up on that offer as a child of four could have whooped me that night. But, from all accounts I had a good time, which is good because when I woke up the next day I neither knew where I was, or how I got there (my own bed). But, the important thing is to have fun. 'REAL CAUSE OF MONEY PENNY’S DEATH UNCOVERED ' Money Penny did not die in a random shooting, as others would want you to believe. After careful investigation, we have discovered that she died from far more sinister means. Upon viewing the dead body at the morgue (and no, there was no naughty stuff going on), we at The Tabloid News discovered two small puncture wounds on her neck. For those of you unfamiliar with such evidence, it means she was attacked, bitten, and killed by a vampire. Local authorities suspect a local math teacher simply named, The Count. The Count issued this statement to The Tabloid News, “One, one victim bit, ha ha ha,” which was followed by strange lightning and thunder. 'BIG FOOT ROBS BANK ' The local Chicago Savings and Loan was robbed yesterday by what witnesses describe as a 9 foot hairy monster. Plaster casts made of the foot prints were matched with forest service records of Big Foot, or Sasquatch to his friends. Chicago authorities are baffled as to how to solve this theft. We at The Tabloid News recommend staking out all major shoe stores that cater to the big and tall. 'ESCAPEE FROM ST. MONEYZEB’S ON THE LOOSE ' An escapee from St. MoneyZeb’s Sanitarium has been seen harassing the streets with his inane and insane chatter. According to St. MoneyZeb’s records, the escapee is named Sefton, and although he is relatively harmless, his rantings are quite annoying. Editor in Chief of the Tabloid News, Mr. Pickles, has tried to aid local authorities in apprehending the lunatic. All attempts have been unsuccessful. 'MR. PICKLES ISSUED RESTRAINING ORDER' A high court issued a restraining order against Mr. Pickles. This case was brought against Mr. Pickles by the group Concerned Husbands, Uncles, Ministers, and Suitors, or CHUMPS. The CHUMPS have accused Mr. Pickles of being too good looking and they are afraid that their Wives, Nieces, Parishioners, and Fiancées will be led astray by this incredibly charming and sexy man. Mr. Pickles will be required by this order, to wear a bag over his head when he walks out. “Maybe I can have some peace at home” on husband said, “instead of my wife day dreaming about this Pickles fella.” Mr. Pickles issued this apology, “I’m sorry I’m better looking than you.” 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN ' Dear Red, Sometimes I feel I’m too arrogant and egotistical. What should I do? Mr. Pickles --------------------------------------------- Dear Pickly-Poo May I call you Pickly-Poo? You aren’t being conceited. You are that wonderful and good looking. Also, about my raise? Red ---------------------------------------------- Dear Red, How can I get TieDomi to stop stalking me (in the strictest of confidence of course). I even found him picking hairs out of the plughole in my bath and sniffing them. I wouldn't mind, but they were my dogs, we'd just bathed him. Signed R.McM ---------------------------------------------- Dear R. Everybody needs a fan. Bask in this attention. Red 'SPORTS ' Crazy old men keep telling us the Cubs will win the World Series. Well, I have a goat here who says otherwise. Keep dreaming Chicago! 'TABLOID HUMOR ' Top Nine Hilarious April Fool's Day Pranks (because 10 would be a copyright infringement) 9. Tell a guy you're going to shoot him, then kill him with a brick. 8. Tape sign to informant's back that reads: "Whack me." 7. The old "non-drying cement shoes" gag. 6. Put body in big paper bag, place it on somebody's doorstep, light it on fire, ring doorbell, run away. 5. Phone local teamsters office, say, "This is Jimmy Hoffa--any messages for me?" 4. Call up local pizzeria; order a pizza for Mr. Foghead A. Boutit. 3. The old severed finger in the hot dog bun trick. 2. Instead of horse's head, rig it so somebody wakes up next to Mr. MFer. 1. Three words: squirting pinkie rings.